Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Emotions, feelings, being free? Oh my!

This past weekend I hopped in the car with my sister Molly and drove up to the mountains to join my family for a little weekend excursion.

Normally when my family goes up to the mountains I stay at home because of work or yoga training… or at least, that’s what I tell myself. But to be quite perfectly honest, the real reason might be because there is still a small part of me that doesn’t want to miss out on anything. I don’t want to miss that extra dollar I could earn, that new yoga pose I could master, or some amazing adventure a friend just thought of. And though the New Year has been filled with so many amazing happenings it has also been filled with emotional turmoil. So I decided to take a break from “my reality” and escape into the mountains for a weekend off from everyone and everything.

I guess I should start off by saying that “emotional turmoil” might be a tad dramatic. But I have been dealing with a lot of emotions as of late and, well, I just needed a break from them, okay?

You see, this past year I have been trying to become more open about how I feel and not see emotions (other than happiness) as a weakness. And let me tell you, it’s a struggle. Lately I feel as though I have been a waterfall of emotions, telling everyone left and right how I feel. Which is good, coming from never telling anyone anything  (of substance) at all. But right now I am finding that I don’t know how to communicate what I am feeling correctly. For instance, in November, I told a guy I liked him and I think he thought I was joking because he later on hooked up with a another girl in front of me and then gave me that “booyah” best mates sort of look. So I think a break to collect my thoughts and weed through everything was much needed.

The entire weekend I only did three things: read Mindful Yoga Mindful Life, go on hikes with my mom, and watched some mindless television. It was perfect.

I especially loved the walks with my mom. We hiked up the old ski slopes and walked through (probably closed off) meadows. We talked about life, our opinions on world matters, and my future. It was nice to talk about these things while feeling like we were the only two people in the world. It made things… simpler.

By the end of the weekend my brain felt so much clearer, I came to terms with the fact that though I was that guys friend and that I was sexually attracted to him, it didn’t mean I necessarily liked him. Also, just because he doesn’t like me doesn’t mean he is a bad person. That last one is common sense, I know, but you cannot imagine how many people bad talk someone when they find out they don’t like you or a friend back.

Another thing I learned, which might be the most important of them all, is that I am tired of being alone. My entire life I have gone from group to group, county to county, always changing up the people I keep in my life besides a rare a few. Though it has given me amazing opportunities and adventures, it has also left me rather lonely. I mean, I am twenty-one and I think it’s about time I had a serious, committed relationship. But I need to stop looking for it where I know I can’t find it or with people I know will give it to me even if I don’t fully like them back. It’s very selfish of me and it’s time to grow out of that childish trait. So I will stop looking and just stay in my hometown and be with the people who have stayed in my life since the beginning until I leave for Spain and maybe learn how to create some roots.

With all this in my mind, I went back to yoga Monday with a clear mind only to find we will be starting a new project of learning how to express ourselves correctly. I couldn’t believe it! The universe really does work in strange, miraculous ways. It could have sent me a relationship that I would have been too immature to understand but instead it gave me tools to grow as a human, to one day have a healthy relationship.


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