This past weekend I hopped in the car with my sister Molly
and drove up to the mountains to join my family for a little weekend excursion.
Normally when my family goes up to the mountains I stay at
home because of work or yoga training… or at least, that’s what I tell myself.
But to be quite perfectly honest, the real reason might be because there is
still a small part of me that doesn’t want to miss out on anything. I don’t
want to miss that extra dollar I could earn, that new yoga pose I could master,
or some amazing adventure a friend just thought of. And though the New Year has
been filled with so many amazing happenings it has also been filled with
emotional turmoil. So I decided to take a break from “my reality” and escape
into the mountains for a weekend off from everyone and everything.
I guess I should start off by saying that “emotional
turmoil” might be a tad dramatic. But I have been dealing with a lot of
emotions as of late and, well, I just needed a break from them, okay?
You see, this past year I have been trying to become more
open about how I feel and not see emotions (other than happiness) as a
weakness. And let me tell you, it’s a struggle. Lately I feel as though I have
been a waterfall of emotions, telling everyone left and right how I feel. Which
is good, coming from never telling anyone anything (of substance) at all. But right now I am
finding that I don’t know how to communicate what I am feeling correctly. For
instance, in November, I told a guy I liked him and I think he thought I was
joking because he later on hooked up with a another girl in front of me and
then gave me that “booyah” best mates sort of look. So I think a break to
collect my thoughts and weed through everything was much needed.
The entire weekend I only did three things: read Mindful
Yoga Mindful Life, go on hikes with my mom, and watched some mindless
television. It was perfect.
I especially loved the walks with my mom. We hiked up the
old ski slopes and walked through (probably closed off) meadows. We talked
about life, our opinions on world matters, and my future. It was nice to talk
about these things while feeling like we were the only two people in the world.
It made things… simpler.
By the end of the weekend my brain felt so much clearer, I
came to terms with the fact that though I was that guys friend and that I was
sexually attracted to him, it didn’t mean I necessarily liked him. Also, just
because he doesn’t like me doesn’t mean he is a bad person. That last one is
common sense, I know, but you cannot imagine how many people bad talk someone
when they find out they don’t like you or a friend back.
Another thing I learned, which might be the most important
of them all, is that I am tired of being alone. My entire life I have gone from
group to group, county to county, always changing up the people I keep in my
life besides a rare a few. Though it has given me amazing opportunities and
adventures, it has also left me rather lonely. I mean, I am twenty-one and I
think it’s about time I had a serious, committed relationship. But I need to
stop looking for it where I know I can’t find it or with people I know will
give it to me even if I don’t fully like them back. It’s very selfish of me and
it’s time to grow out of that childish trait. So I will stop looking and just
stay in my hometown and be with the people who have stayed in my life since the
beginning until I leave for Spain and maybe learn how to create some roots.
With all this in my mind, I went back to yoga Monday with a
clear mind only to find we will be starting a new project of learning how to
express ourselves correctly. I couldn’t believe it! The universe really does
work in strange, miraculous ways. It could have sent me a relationship that I
would have been too immature to understand but instead it gave me tools to grow
as a human, to one day have a healthy relationship.
Sincerely,
HKx
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